2007 Idiotarod Race Results
Number Six's Commentary: The Guitar Heroes hit a lot of good points. They tapped into a particular zeitgeist at its height. Great costumes, great theme, great spirit. Many many judges commented on how spirited they were (AND friendly). Their cart actually played Guitar Hero. They were also aggressive in lobbying for themselves in the final moments. And one agreed to take off his pants. It is amazing how far you can get in the world by offering to take off your pants.
BEST SABOTAGE: NYPD.
Number Six's Commentary: The NYPD out-did themselves this year. While it appeared they forgot to enter an actual cart, they had a massive team with hundreds of members. They used organization and technology. They had HELICOPTERS! That is pretty bad ass. The horses were pretty cool too. They also managed to arrive at the real starting line before C.O.B.R.A. even got there. While the NYPD didn't manage to sabotage the entire race, they were amazingly successful at shutting down the original afterparty. Luckily for us, Lars at The Creek and The Cave came to the rescue.
Also a Special Sabotage Award to Guitar Heroes for being C.O.B.R.A.'s arch nemesis Troop 666 and not having C.O.B.R.A. discover that until after the Award Ceremony. Yes, C.O.B.R.A. gave Troop 666 a thousand dollars. We salute you Troop 666. Call the NYPD about sharing the sabotage prize money. Ask for Sergeant Douchebag. Just keep demanding your fair share if at first they say no.
Number Six's Commentary: Their cart turned into a giant robot. (1) C.O.B.R.A. is made up of many nerds and we often dreamed of being able to do that. (2) Giant robots rock. While it could no long stand on its own by the time it got to the finish line, it was still insanely cool. Challenge to a team next year: Make a cart that can walk.
MOST POINTS: TEAM NASSCAR
Number Six's Commentary: Okay. Let's be clear. No one, even C.O.B.R.A., was 100% sure how the whole points thing worked. Being the ones who received all of the paperwork at the end, we now have before us 60 check-in sheets, tallies, scribbled notes, and a few weird doodles. It wasn't just chips. There was the scavenger hunt and phoned in numbers. And we were a bit drunk at the afterparty when we were trying to figure out the points thing. But we have taken the last 36 hours going back over the numbers. And Team NASSCAR still had WAY more than anyone else. Some how they ended up with 47 points (the next team had 31). They may have been the ones who stole chips from on of the check points. Who knows. We never said exactly HOW to get points.
CONTINOUS AND EFFECTIVE BRIBERY: MAD HATTAN TEA PARTY
Number Six's Commentary: Tea Party had bribery down to an art. Tasty treats and possible illicit substances. And they labeled everything! Large containers of brownies with their team name and number on them. See? That is smart thinking. And they just kept it coming. Many a drink was handed to judges at the afterparty by the Tea Party. And, to repeat, we were very very happy about the huge thing of cheese puff balls. We love those things. We were really looking forward to them. The Noids owe me.
CONSISTENTLY BRINGING THEIR A-GAME YEAR AFTER YEAR WITH STYLE AND PANACHE: WONDER WOMEN (FAKEWORKS)
Number Six's Commentary: We have said it before: we love Fakeworks. Every year they bring it and bring it hard. Personally, I think they deserved Best-In-Show in 2005 for their amazing Octopus cart. And last year I think they had a great shot at Best In Show for their Barrel of Monkeys... except for the fact that C.O.B.R.A. brought it so hard that year. Their Invisible Jet cart rocked and they had cool bribes (although I still haven't managed to get the zipties off my Wonder Woman wrist guards... I recommend rubber bands). And really strong jello shots. Mostly, they just have fun. Look at all of the pictures of them on Flickr. They are always smiling and laughing. I personally have a collective crush on all of them. Seriously. I was to bashful to ask about their Golden Lariats of Truth. I was scared I might confess my devotion to them all.
PLACINGS:6TH PLACE: KOSTUME KULT: BAAAAAAD SHEEP
Number Six's Commentary: Bonus for cool cuddly cart and even cuddlier costume.
5TH PLACE: IdiotaRod Stewarts
Number Six's Commentary: Nice group-sing at the afterparty. But we all had weird nightmares about these guys Saturday night. There is something just creepy and weird about that many Rods. Too bad there wasn't a Steven Colbert cart. We would have liked to see them all fight.
4TH PLACE: G.I. JOE: OPERATION MONGOOSE.
Number Six's Commentary: C.O.B.R.A.'s highest award given for athleticism. G.I. JOE: O.M. Brought it... but didn't bring it TOO hard. We also got a lot of calls that they were nice guys. Unlike G.I. JOE: REAL AMERICAN HEROES, who we got tons of calls about what dicks they were. It was very confusing. But we know who the real heroes were, don't we?
LAST PLACE: CARMEN DE MAIRENA
Number Six's Commentary: Okay, we aren't 100% sure they were last. But by the time they arrived we had stopped keeping track. So maybe this award should be called "Last Place Before C.O.B.R.A. Grew Bored." As far as we know there are still teams trying to find the second checkpoint.
1ST PLACE SPECIAL MENTION: COLONEL ANGUS
Number Six's Commentary: Colonel Angus crossed the finish line well before any other team. But of course C.O.B.R.A. had made it clear that we couldn't care less about first place. BUT Team Double Down, the first place team from 2005 and 2006 and second place in 2004, were upset at C.O.B.R.A.'s attitude. And, sure enough, Double Down give Colonel Angus trophies and neato t-shirts for coming in first. C.O.B.R.A. appreciates a team that creates their own awards ceremony. We think Double Down finally gets the spirit of the whole thing.
Number Six's Commentary: C.O.B.R.A. Committee Members Rich and Anne out did the C.O.B.R.A. Head Hot Rod cart from 2006. The full train engine with working lights, whistle and FIRE BELCHING SMOKE STACK was awesome. It is a piece of art. It also weighs only slightly less than a real train engine.
THE AWARD FOR TEAM WE STUPIDLY/DRUNKENLY FORGOT TO MENTION AND ARE KICKING OURSELVES ABOUT NOW: FAST FAST FOOD
Number Six's Commentary: Oh, man! Did we blow this one! This was the McDonald's team. Great cart, great costumes. Shamelessly played to C.O.B.R.A.'s corporate sponsorship (and C.O.B.R.A. appreciates "shamelessness"). And they came all the way from D.C.. The judges all talked about them. We kept saying, "We can't forget to mention Fast Fast Food." And then we did. So, Fast Fast Food, next time you are in NYC, contact us. We personally will buy you guys 5 Happy Meals and a round of very stiff drinks.
BEST MOVIE THEMED CART: THE GREAT SCOTTS
Number Six's Commentary: Back to the Future. We never got to check if they had an actual flux-capacitor. Thank god they never got up to 88 miles per hour. Who knows what mischief they would have gotten up to! They also got some amazing air on the Ramp of Death.
SPECIAL MENTION TO OUR FOREFATHERS: PRECISION ACCIDENTS
Number Six's Commentary: Okay, we owe these folks a lot. C.O.B.R.A. only put our spin on this year's race, but The Idiotarod was birthed from the creative womb of Precision Accidents. They also got the head ref so smoked out that he was almost incomprehensible when we were trying to decide the awards. And they had fantastic jackets. AND they came in 2nd!
BEST CHICKEN DANCE PERFORMED WHILE JUDGES WERE OUTSIDE IN THE COLD TRYING TO TALLY UP THE NUMBERS AND THEY BROUGHT US BEERS AND INNOVATION IN USE OF DIGITAL MEDIA AWARD: CHICKEN RUN.
Number Six's Commentary: The dance brightened our cold freezing asses. The beers loosened us up. But most impressive, they programmed Wikipedia to post that they had won the race before the race was even completed. My guess is that next year the Idiotarod Wiki page will be frozen 3 days before the race even starts.
DEEPEST ARCHIVE: THE LIBRARIANS
Number Six's Commentary: C.O.B.R.A. encourages literacy. One judge asked them if they had a science section and they did. He got a book on how to have good sex. C.O.B.R.A. also encourages good sex.
Number Six's Commentary: With their white bucket space helmets, space shuttle cart and large flag (and tiny ones to give out), Mission to Pluto were adorable. C.O.B.R.A. is split on the whole Pluto being a planet or not issue, but We believe they swayed many of the nay-sayers. And a great haiku:
Mission to Pluto
Still 9th planet in our hearts
Rest in peace always
MARY LOU RETTON AWARD: IT'S SO HARD TO BE CREATIVE UNDER PRESSURE
Number Six's Commentary: This for doing topless back flips for the finish line judges. We missed it. We didn't see any toplessness, in fact. What is up with that? We saw a lot of pale male asses, and while that is fine and good, what is the good of being a judge if you don't get to see a bit of bare chested acrobatics? Sigh.
MOST PHONE CALLS ABOUT WHAT JERKS THEY WERE: DISASTER VAGINA
Number Six's Commentary: We are not sure if they deserve any sort recognition, but so many judges complained about them. It wasn't that their cart was disgusting. It was, but it was well done disgusting, but they were just rude and dicks to judges and everyone. What is up with that? This wasn't fun "We are playing evil" type stuff. It was actually being assholes. So we repeat: our foot to your taint. Over and over. An additional shout out to the ass I tackled at the finish line when I saw him spray painting on the park: Please send C.O.B.R.A. your address. We would like to come over, spray paint your house, spray paint your taint, and then kick you in it.
Number Six's Commentary: We wanted to give special mention to the Silent But Deadly cart! We loved the costumes and the cart and especially the silent music music. On the dialog signs: "OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU SCOUNDRALS!"
MOST CONSIDERATE TEAMS: EVERYONE WHO STAYED TO HELP CLEAN UP THE FINISH LINE
Number Six's Commentary: We meant to get your names, but we were all a little cranky about picking up fish heads. But you all were great! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Looking at the aftereffects of the best shopping cart race on the planet was very daunting to C.O.B.R.A. and you all warmed our hearts. Give a hoot! Don't pollute!
MOST IMPROVED AWARD: THAT TEAM FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE
Number Six's Commentary: Sorry we forget your name. In 2006, you tried to bring a shopping cart across state lines tied to the roof of their cart, were pulled over and forced to return it to the closest Target. So they ran with a cardboard box. Well, they returned and this year managed to have an actual cart! That is a 100% improvement over having no cart. Or is it an infinite increase? How many times more is 1 over zero?
BEST TEAM WITHOUT ANY CART AT ALL: THE MIMES
Number Six's Commentary: Again I am unclear on their name. Seriously, you need to see what all of the paperwork looks like now. There are sections blurred with Crisco. Anywhozits, this was a tight category. There were the Refs Without A Cart (but it was unclear if they just couldn't find one). Also the Curlers were fantastic and giving other carts a bit more speed by sweeping a path. But The Mimes were of course playing true to form with their pantomime cart. And it was a beaut! They clearly spent many days building it. They also got huge amount of points for getting all of the scavenger hunt items. But they were mimed items so they got mimed points on mimed paperwork which blew away in a stiff mimed wind.